It's Alright

As I was leaving her house, I felt a very strong sense of sadness in me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have reached my limit of keeping things in, maybe something else I don't know of. As I drive on, this feeling of sadness slowly transformed into some sort of anger, hatred feel. I repeatedly think "It's alright, calm down." but the feeling is slowly building up. Up to a point where I feel like smashing things. And at a traffic light, a car try to cut in front of me. First reaction, block that car out. Then I told myself "calm down, let him pass. It's alrgiht."

But still the feeling is getting worse and worse. I realized that I was gripping the steering wheel extremely hard. I thought that one day when I can no longer control it, I might hurt someone. But then again, I feel like I would hurt myself first before I would hurt other people. For so long, I have been hurting myself in a way to de-stress. Maybe you all notice it, maybe not.

When I reached home, I really felt like not smiling. But still, I put on a smiling face. I guess I still can show them the "me" that I feel like I am. It doesn't feel good to be wearing a mask in front of my family. But what can I do? They tell me they know what I want but they can't give it to me. I wonder, what do I really want?

The counselor say that it is a learnt behavior and can be unlearned. But I feel that it is a characteristic that I have for a very long time and I don't think it can be changed. For now, while I am still in control, I hope that I will find enough people whom I can trust to stop me when I lose control.

"It's alright. As long as I'm wearing this mask, it's alright."